On Zombies

Something different this day...

The Crazed American is a fan of good Zombie Movies. George Romero and Tom Savini should be put on Mt. Rushmore in my humble opinion. I am not talking about shlocky cheap ripoffs, but Zombie movies that take the subject matter semi –seriously and let decent actors put decent writing and story development to the flesh munching, stumbling and mumbling test.

Good Zombie Movie: Night of the Living Dead (original and remake – although the original takes the cup for the better film, although Tony Todd is one of the most unrecognized thespians in Hollywood)

Bad Zombie Movie: Return of the Living Dead III. While the acting wasn’t horrible (it was real close at times) it failed on many accounts, not the least of following the “accepted” rules of zombies in cinema (i.e. talking zombies, and zombies with feelings)

To be honest, that, to me is where most of these lower ranked Zombie movies fall down.

I actually like it when Zombie movies try to make it believable (ala the Resident Evils, or 28 Days Later)

As a service to the film going public The Crazed American Presents a Primer on:

The Cannibal Undead (Homo Romericus Necrosapiens)

1. Zombies are decaying lumps of rotting flesh – eventually they will decay to the point of disintegration. Due to the fact that they are animated by a method of anerobic respiration (as evidenced by #3), and since the byproducts of anerobic respiration are various types of acids (not an Alien burn through the deck plates kind of acid), decomposition would be more rapid

2. Zombies can’t drown – but they would probably float (gas produced by decomposition)

3. Zombies would starve to death without living flesh to consume. (Kudos: 28 Days Later) Otherwise why would they need to prey on the living?

4. Killing Zombies: Disruption of the Cerebral Cortex and Medulla Oblongota (brain stem) are required to defeat an Undead Minion. A head shot that didn’t produce sufficient cerebral trauma or hydrostatic liquefaction wouldn’t necessarily affect the “Living Impaired”. At the same time if you destroyed, let’s say the vision center of the undead brain, the undead would be unable to see. Also, decapitating the undead would not re-dead the creature, it would merely cause the head, with working jaws to roll about, trying to find an ankle or toe to latch onto. In addition, nerve gas would work on the undead. Heat would work on the undead. A zombie would not last long in the summer desert. If the temperature got hot enough, the proteins in the non-living brain would denature, preventing impulse transmission. Zombies would be defeated by freezing temperatures (ice crystals in the nervous system – disrupting the transmission of nerve impulses)

5. Zombies do not speak. Ever. Make them talk and they automatically become less scary. Part of the fear factor from the undead legions is that you cannot communicate with them. If they communicate with you that automatically leaves the window open to negotiation. The term “mindless legions of the undead” brings on a sense of fear and foreboding. “Chatty Zombies” is not nearly as scary.

6. Zombies cannot run. Due to the effect of death in the cererbral cortex, cerebrum and medulla, the motor skills of the minion would be diminished. That effect would be compounded over time. They might be able to sprint soon after zombification, but someone who had been dead for a week or two, even with a steady supply of healthy victims, wouldn’t have the balance to sprint off on down the road after fleeing “lifers”. (Sorry remake of Dawn of the Dead – OK for 28 Days Later – you explained your way around it since your Zombies weren’t actually dead!)

7. Zombification is caused by a virus or bacterium of some sort. Depictions of people being sprayed by infected blood (drenched in some cases) would lead to infection through inhalation or a mucus membrane, much less an open wound.

8. Carrion animals would definitely be a problem to the undead hordes. After a zombie outbreak, there would be a surge in the number of vultures and other scavengers. America might see a resurgence of hyena roaming the “fruited plains” due to escaped animals from zoos. Whether or not the carrion animals would be able to transmit the zombification agent would have to be determined.


All of this being said, there are no real rules for the cannibal undead. To state the obvious they are a work of fiction (freaky film Serpent and the Rainbow not withstanding) Romero (PBUH) invented the cannibal zombie, so to be honest he gets a pass on the zombie horde ambling through the river in Land of the Dead. Before that, zombies were just seen as mindless automatons of wizards, witch doctors and the like. If a writer can tell a story obeying the first rule of fiction (science or otherwise) “Create a world, give that world rules, then people that world and live in it according to those rules” and come up with decent dialogue that tells a gripping story, I’m game. Oh, decent direction, acting and production values are a must. Horror films with bad actors are lame. Ones with decent actors can get scary…

Also referencing running zombies – I tend to think that if you give the undead (or any monster) too many abilities or powers, it makes the film going experience less enjoyable. Audiences need to think that the protagonists might get out of a situation, otherwise the movie, to me just becomes a viewing of a depiction of watching people die. If the situation gets to a point where a horde of running, superhuman, un killable undead hell bent on devouring all of humanity is right behind our group of intrepid survivors, its done, it's over. In the immortal world of SGT Kyle Reese, they "...will not stop - until you are dead!" If the people who you have invested 90 -120 minutes of your life into don't even have the possibility of survival, as a film, you're done. Future Zombie Filmsmiths take note: Good Zombie Movies all end with at least a glimmer of hope that humanity would continue, in some state or form. Give the audience hope and let them identify with the protagonists, and you’re golden. Make it ridiculous for anyone to survive, and the film becomes tedious. Not to say you can't kill off everybody at the end, just give them hope.